When do we talk? My challenge communicating with my spouse.

When you have kids, the days are busy. Even more so when you have two. My husband and I are finding that we spend most of our time at home entertaining our toddler or rocking our newborn. By the time they go to bed, we are so exhausted, we hardly have enough brain power to get ourselves ready for bed, let alone have an intellectual discussion. 

So when do we talk about the important things like family finances, discipline and careers?

It used to be during mealtimes, but now, even if the subject matter and debate were appropriate for our 3 year old, we get distracted by trying to get him to eat and/or stay sitting at the table. 

Mornings are a time sensitive challenge getting everyone fed and dressed. 

Evenings are spent soaking up quality time with our kids, since we both work fill time. 

The best time so far has been in the car driving to the park or a weekend outing. 

Here are some new habits I adopted to try to facilitate and promote discussions:

1.  I started making a list of topics I want to discuss. Everything from weekend activities to current events. Geeky, I know, but I use it to prompt discussions when we have time (like driving to the park ). 

2.  I use email to ask questions or request a certain topic be discussed, in case I forget later. 

3.  If it needs to be decided before the weekend, I bring it up right away.  My husband does not like surprises and we both like to be involved in planning the schedule. 

4.  Plan a date night to discuss key topics, like financial plans and potential career changes. Guess what, tax season is upon is and that always prompts some discussion. 

We are still working on carving out time.  Both for these discussions and for ourselves. 

I just want to feel "normal"

What does normal mean to me?

Waking up and going for a run without having to feed and dress everyone else first. 

Having a leisurely meal (any meal) without worrying about what the kids are or are not eating. 

Having dessert without worrying about creating a bad habit with my kids. 

Pampering myself (pedicure or massage) without worrying about getting home to feed or cook dinner. 

1.  I know the time will come when my kids are older and we can get babysitters to allow these types of outings. 

2. I can accept that this is no longer normal and appreciate when these opportunities come up.  If they are a high priority for me, there may be ways to make it happen more frequently.

3.  I can take mini breaks (a piece of chocolate or hot shower) to give myself a treat.  Savor those quiet times. 

4.  Accept help when offered.  We just got back from vacation visiting family and I did get to cross some of these off my list.

5.  Communicate with your partner.  If my husband knows that a run or workout is really important to me to relieve stress, he can help out to make it happen.  Or give me that extra push to actually make it happen. 

Momma needs to take care of herself too, so finding quiet time to rejuvenate yourself is important. Although it feels like everyone elses needs come first, I find myself more relaxed and positive when I am able to take a little mommy break. 

Any suggestions to get through the early months/years without losing oneself? 

3 Lessons I've learned about Child Care

First off, I want to state that this is just my experience and not intended to be guidelines or rules for anyone else.  Child care is one of the most difficult decisions for any parent and should be evaluated based on your personal principles and your kids experience.  Everyone's situation is different.

We recently moved my son to a new preschool while I was on maternity leave. It was closer to our house, had a challenging academic curriculum and was cheaper than the old preschool. Seemed ideal at the time. Needless to say, we ended up moving him back to the original daycare when I went back to work. 

1.  Trust your instincts

At the new school, it felt chaotic no matter when I dropped off or picked up. I understand there are busy times, but that should be the exception, not the rule. 

Although I liked the curriculum at the new school, they did not have much structure outside the 2 academic hours of the day. In the end, it was hard to explain, but it did not feel right. 

2.  Trust your child

My son is a pretty easy going guy. He loves to read and play and is usually excited to go to school. When he started to resist getting his shoes on and break down before we left the house, I knew something was wrong. 

3.  Being a stay at home mom is HARD!

During my maternity leave, my son only attended preschool part time, so I could spend more time with him. I give stay at home moms a lot of respect because it is not easy. Not only do you have to figure out your own plan for the day, you are also coordinating your kids day. Toddlers have a very short attention span, so you have to have several back up plans. You hope the kids nap at the same time so you can get something done (laundry, dishes, dinner). I still wasn't able to clean any of my house, so I do not know how anyone does that. 

Task builders

I recently saw a segment on leanin.org about combining tasks to boost effectiveness (multipliers), rather than multitasking. The idea is to combine tasks so that you can be effective in both of them, rather than not being fully present for either when you multitask. 

The best examples I have for moms are the following (I have actually used some of these):

1.  Workout and bond with your spouse by going on a walk or run together  (this is a great time to have serious discussions too, while the kids are strapped in and dozing in the stroller).  Plus you both feel better afterwards. 

2.  Connect with friends at a play date or lunch. 

I have a habit of getting sucked into focusing on my kids and neglecting my old relationships (friends, etc). I am trying to reach out to friends more frequently so that I can continue to nurture those relationships, as well as get some adult interaction. 

3.  Call friends while you fold laundry (if kids are napping). 

4.  Strength training while watching tv. 

When I go back to work, I will not be watching tv anymore, so I will need to find another time to stretch and do crunches. 

Any other suggestions?